by Jared: A few days ago I was really bored, and really annoyed at those notes where people ask you questions in an attempt to get to know you better. Personally, I would rather be as annoying as possible around you to figure out your pet peeves. I put together a list of questions that I feel demonstrate how pointless these types of things are. Please try to answer the questions before they render you catatonic.
1. What is your full name, Earthling?
2. What is your full address?
3. Phone number?
4. Do you realize you just gave me enough information to stalk and kidnap you?
5. Where does your wife go shopping?
6. Where do your children attend school?
7. Are there any conveniently located woodchippers or tool sheds nearby?
8. Do you love your family?
9. Do you REALLY love them or are you just saying that?
10. Do you go on FB often?
11. What‘s the worst sickness you‘ve ever had?
12. I'm not sure what my worst sickness was, but I know I woke up afterwards with blood on my teeth and another missing house pet.
13. Do you like either funny or scary movies? Yes, there’s a difference.
14. Have you ever been drunk?
15. Would you like to get drunk again?
16. Ah, so you HAVE been drunk?
17. Do you have any siblings?
18. Aren't we all? Join hands and sing, brother.
19. What‘s your sign? Mine’s “Warning: Hazardous Materials”
20. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it's you.
21. No. I don’t count as one of your friends.
22. Which of the following would you consider appropriate situations for aggressively picking your nose?:
- In bed, alone
- In bed with a partner
- In bed with a dog
23. Why are you still filling out these questions?
24. Seriously, didn’t #22 make you run off to the bathroom to wash your hands?
25. Are you in a relationship with someone?
26. Keeping in mind that animals, minors and stalking victims don't count, are you in a relationship with someone?
27. I probably should have also added 'fictional characters' to that list.
28. Do you feel lucky, punk?
29. Laurel or Hardy?
30. What's your favorite song by Queen that isn't Bohemian Rhapsody?
31. What's your favorite team sport that isn't football?
32. Have you ever cheated at a board game?
33. Once, when my opponent suffered a heart palpitation, I moved his hotel onto Park Lane while he was distracted.
34. Do you want to have children?
35. I don’t. At least, not while I have my strength.
36. Would your rather hug or kiss?
37. If you’re male, you’re excused from answering that question. You’re too busy doing pushups and grunting.
38. Pineapple or duct tape?
39. Nostrils or the Serengeti Plain?
40. Do you want to lose weight, fatty?
41. Have you ever been to prison?
42. If yes, what crime did you commit?
43. I probably should have asked this earlier: Are you male or female?
44. Really?
45. Wow.
46. What makes you happy?
47. I personally can’t answer #46, as they’re illegal in most countries.
48. Is the cup half full, half empty or redundant?
49. Who is your best friend?
50. Okay, who is your second best friend?
51. Do you have any friends at all?
52. Keep in mind that animals, babies, stalking victims, fictional characters and inanimate objects don't count.
53. Did you know coming up with 100 questions is more difficult than it sounds?
54. Discuss the use of iambic pentameter in “Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Evening” by Shakespeare.
55. How old do you think a person should be before they get married?
56. I want prefer to be old enough to not be aware of the fact that I'm getting married.
57. Prior to getting that restraining order, have you ever been in love?
58. When was the last time you were depressed? I don’t mean from the time you started this questionnaire to right aboooout….now.
59. What's your favorite book for use in self-defense?
60. Do I look like a girl?
61. Then why did you kiss me, Brian? On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have asked that here….
62. What's the best advice you‘ve ever been given?
63. Here‘s something better. Stop reading.
64. List all your pets.
65. I know this may be painful, but list all the dead ones, too.
66. How did they die?
67. Ha ha! What stupid helpless creatures.
68. What's your favorite comic by Charles Schulz called Peanuts?
69. Really?
70. Mine too!
71. Do you admire Justin Bieber...
... For his musical ability?
... For his enormous following of fan girls?
... For the ease with which he will burn?
72. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex is:
73. Besides the outer layer of skin?
74. Rocks or oyster crap? I mean, diamonds or pearls? .
76. Would you like to reconsider your answer to question 43?
77. Have you ever taken drugs?
78. Have you ever sold drugs?
79. Could you give me a price list?
80. Do you think I'm attractive?
81. My mom does.
82. Have you ever dressed like a woman?
83. C'mon, you can tell me.
84. Everyone has at some point.
85. Ha ha! I lied! GAY!
86. My apologies if you're a girl, by the way.
87. When was the last time you said 'I love you'?
88. When was the last time you said it to something other than a theatre screen during a movie called “Twilight“ or “New Moon“?
89. What was the last thing you cried over or got teary about?
90 Besides question 10?
91. Do you have a crush?
92. I’m not talking about when you put the milk on top of the eggs.
93. What color is your underwear?
94. If any of you crass dolts answer brown, I’m going to unfriend you.
95. Why do you think I tagged you on this quiz?
96. Would you be seen in public with me?
97. Would you ever want to date this handsome attractive clever big dark gothic failure?
98. How far would you go on a first date? ?
99. Um...I guess I’d go about four miles, but any more than two and I'd have to ask my mom to drive me.
100. What time can you pick me up?
Yes, if you were tagged in this note, you probably inspired a few of these.
